Idly Waiting

I am afraid I am starting to live a mundane life wherein i simply live to pass the time. Day after day after day of  monotonous existence has become unbearably bothersome.To most, there is nothing entirely amiss about that. Some would even label that as relishing "little moments" of life. But when you get to the point where your life has turned into something of a  prosaic  perfunctory routine,the  wake up-go to work-have lunch with officemates-work-go home-watch dvd-sleep- routine,  one way or another youre bound to wonder the significance of your existence. Admittedly, being the impatient person that i am,the type who’s always in a hurry to get the "goodies" but always missing out on the fun during the "process" and worse,  when i did get the goodies, i just feel  frustratingly numb,  relishing those "little moments" is just about the right advice that i should heed.  

Seriously, I am not even trying to be profound about this ordeal i am recently having. Im simply being reflective of what my life has become of late. Atrociously banal. The perfect description that has come to mind  The need to be something more than "this", a total sedentary fixture with no contribution whatsoever to the people i encounter aside from rare bouts of witty remarks (albeit not without tremendous effort on my end), has given me no sense of gratification. Not one bit. I wonder when did i start evolving into someone uncharacteristically stodgy and passive? Is this synonymous to being an adult and "mature"?

After long deliberation and endless overintrospection, i have finally pinpointed the  root cause of this agitation.

I want to be the kind of person that would please God … the kind of person that glows  with overwhelming self fullfillment because she knows she is doing what God has designed her to do.

Im thinking more of having enough gumption to be someone "better".  Does the saying you cant teach old dogs new tricks already apply to me as early as now? or is it just an excuse to stay as lackadaisical as possible and continue to live in a disgustingly slothful manner? I feel old. and depressingly unaccomplished. And what’s confusing about all of this is that I have a great job, i am 25 (people would still consider that young but i beg to differ) and supposedly have a full life ahead. I know a lot of people would  trade places with me without further ado or any semblance of hesitation. And yet, inspite of all these, of being blessed, i still find myself lacking.

This is not being an ingrate for all the heap of blessings i received, nor is this  a mere case of quarter life crisis. This is having an "itch" that you cant scratch…a compelling  need TO MATTER  to God mostly, but also to others. I owe it to Him.  I just dont know how and where to start.  I can do so much more and im just restraining myself (most definitely not on purpose!) to become someone God has  willed me to be. Most of all, I fear complacency.I am acutely  aware i can be someone who can make a difference. He wired us that way.

But how do you get to do that when youre constantly bombarded with tedious yet trifling concerns of everyday concerns? like being overweight,  being late for work, being single in a couples’ world, not being well liked, of bad hair days, of zits that miraculously appeared out of nowhere, of being resentful to someone whom you thought was a friend …i can go on and there’s a long list. These are just the small and inconsequential issues.

I feel like im just waiting for God to make me someone new.  If dependence is an issue, how do we distinguish our part? How do we keep our end of the bargain?Why is it that discerning our role in the God-man relationship such a difficult feat? Is the waiting a vital part of molding us? Am i missing out on the essentials because im not attuned to His will?

While i attempt to assimilate all of these, i promise to strive (with much vehemence and ardor) to look for answers and absorb as much as i could on how to be someone God wants me to be.

 

A Reason for Everything

I tried to post one entry per month about my views and thoughts about religion and i realized that, after rereading my previous posts, that my entries sound disappointingly empty and embarrassingly preachy.  It lacked intimacy that people can relate with. So, i figured im going to just be painfully honest about how i really view things (in my christian POV). Not that i have not been honest prior to this, but i was hoping to have more of an inspiration effect for those few who happened to chance upon this blog.  Although some (bless them) have confirmed that it did rekindle the faith fuel, my intention though, was to actually reach out to those who are having a difficult time about faith.

LIKE ME.

I am not going to give answers.  I just want to share and assure others that we are all, in one way or another, go thru the same things at some point of our lives. And most of the time when we think that we are alone, it is not because we are, but it is simply because we chose to be alone.

Very few people know that just of late, I finally got out of a 3 year grueling emotional torture. During those first years i felt (and most probably looked like) a living dead.  I felt horribly alone and absurdly despondent that i began to question why do i still live. Don’t get me wrong. Suicide is not one of my options and never was. I just woke up everyday thinking “oh.it’s another day.great.” in a very sarcastic flat tone in my head. Then i would go about my day without passion. Without purpose.  Looking back at it now, i cant imagine i lived like that for years.  And personally, i think it’s much way worse than suicide. What ever happened to me rattled me so intensely that it had become my paradigm shift. My wake up call.

TWICE.

The first year i felt like i was groping for someone, something, ANYTHING stable because i felt i was literally sinking into nothingness.  The depression was so sever that it scared me back to sanity. And was just replaced by this numbness and apathy. Then i started to pray.

What i vividly remember was being greatly disappointed with God. I was praying and praying and praying that the hurt and the anger would go away. I would wake up crying in anger and would sleep crying in anger and then i would still dream about “it” after that. At that time, i thought my prayer was  not being answered.  I felt ignored yet I still prayed. What is there to lose? I wasnt feeling any better whether i pray or not.  Then I suddenly realized i was praying the wrong prayer, so i changed it. I prayed that i be healed because i cannot possibly help others if im not whole myself.

It dawned on me that I was trying to heal myself by means of distraction.  I relied on myself for healing. I got busy with church ministry, choir etc that i forgot that i needed time to introspect about what happened. I tried not to acknowledge it and just bury it, thinking; out of sight, out of mind. It didnt go away. and it came back with full force. The anger and bitterness were as intense as ever. I got scared that i will never be healed. Hence, I was again, disappointed with God. (NOTE that not once had i thought that I might be disappointing God. It simply screams SELFISHNESS!) I got irritated that i wasnt healed yet when i encountered people with the same problems and i feel paralyzed and helpless because i was going thru the same thing. Like a blind leading other blind people. Im not imposing on myself that i help people. But it comes rather naturally to me that it pains me not being able to do anything.

Then something ironic happened. The helplessness has become a catalyst to the healing. And so were the wonderful people i met just recently.  I finally saw the glaring clarity of the situation, it almost became hilarious. I want to share what i learned from the harrowing experience:

1. There’s a purpose why i went thru all that. I was a proud creature and it was a very humbling experience. A wise friend once told me that pain is God’s megaphone. I would like to think that God just shouted on His megaphone. It was too loud. haha!

2. Not everything is in my control. Everything happens in His time. – This, im still working on. I will expound on this on my next entry.

3. I had better understanding of the word empathy.

4. The experience served as a catalyst for my paradigm shift. My views about life totally changed. And i am grateful now.

5. I found my purpose.

I apologize for the vagueness of this entry. I honestly think that specifics are inconsequential. As of the moment i am not without pressing worries. I am still battling with alot of things about faith and prayers and i am far from being highly enlightened. I am just taking the lessons one at a time and trying to savor the experience while at it.

 

Deflection

Crow’s feet. Freaking crow’s feet. I woke up and I just noticed theyre there. i will never tire of asking “how did this happen?!”. I am not the type who obsesses about looks and physical appearance. OK. Maybe just a wee bit. Im still female. A female who is obviously getting old.

I got fixated on the ever prominent lines below my eyes for almost 2 weeks now and im still obsessing about it. And might probably obsess about it for a few more months. I only have 2 words to explain how I felt about it.

PANIC ATTACK.

How I obsess about something is a very funny thing. Crazy kind of funny. you see, I would perpetually look at this small mirror of mine, technically every 3mins. Like I was hoping that glaring at those lines rather fiercely, willing them to fade away into oblivion, would actually make them do that. fade away into oblivion. I would also go to the bathroom when I feel the need to stretch to look at a LARGER mirror crossing my fingers that my smaller mirror is playing tricks on me and that my lines are just actually a very strange and horrific figment of my imagination. A vision conjured by my petulant mind trying to get the best of me and shock me out of my wits to make me hyperventilate. But alas, the lines are still there. stubbornly prominent as ever.and sooner or later they would multiply faster than a dozen rabbits placed in a small cage.

Ive never thought about getting old before. Ive never given much thought about physical deterioration as well. The obvious manifestations that my body is starting to show the effects of natural forces are starting to get more and more evident and had somewhat forced me to introspect deeper. The thoughts of getting old (whether single or married) caused me too much anxiety. No. don’t get me wrong. I am not anxious in the “omg im getting old and wrinkly” kind of anxiety. (maybe about 5% of it) but the main reason for the anxiety is fear that I haven’t really done what I was meant to do. There MUST be a reason why Im here. there has to be. God has given us a time frame, a deadline for whatever it is that He assigned us to do and getting old, feeling like I haven’t really done much for God is making me anxious. No one wants to live a meaningless unproductive life in every aspect. may it be spiritual or otherwise.

Getting old also poses another enigma for me. The hope and faith that there has to be more to life than “living life to the fullest, making the most of out of it and enjoying life like there’s no tomorrow”. Some people might disagree on this, and admittedly, my outlook regarding life was pretty much the same a couple of years back. No. nothing monumental happened that made me change my perception and question that motto I mentioned. It is the notion that my life here on earth is really not about me. a huge chunk of it is, but not ENTIRELY about me. I think i was distracted with the pursuit of my own selfish hapiness that i forgot what should matter and should significantly affect me as a christian.the first thing that came to mind is a life of service.  im not saying that my hapiness is irrelevant. how can i share rays of sunshine when i cant shine myself? What i think is that, being selfless, deflecting the focus from myself AT THE RIGHT MOMENTS is the whole point. Not an easy feat im pretty sure. we have innate urges for self survival and that also entails selfishness. and most of the time self indulgence.

But when we think long term, i wonder if worldy selfish hapiness is all worth it.

A life of service can be easily misinterpreted by many. I honestly think, and at some point i find it amusing, that God is creative enough to give us our own versions of things that whatever  variations of the actual output of these interpretations would STILL result in something good. For instance, my own interpretation of a life of service is reaching out for people within my reach. a broken hearted churchmate. a depressed co worker. a new friend whom i feel, needs someone to talk to. others with enough resources would interpret it as charity by means of financing church ministries. for some, it could be a whole lot more.

I just wish,  crow’s feet  being a reminder that time is of the essence and all, that i am doing what i am supposed to do here, that i am responsible enough to figure it out and apply whatever i have to fully utilize these talents and gifts, and that i am living a life of service, based on my capabilities and own understanding.

 

Love vs. Logic

I’ve always been good with logic. i can easily understand something when there is logic behind it. when you want something explained to me, or if you want me to fully understand a situation, using logic is a sure fire way of doing it.  so you see, i am having difficulties understanding concepts  like “Jesus saved us by dying on the cross and He paid the price” or “His blood cleansed us from our sins and forgave us all”, because logically speaking, these concepts are really not, well, logical. My capacity to understand such symbolisms is achingly, if not, embarrassingly limited. It is  rather frustrating on my end  because everybody SEEMS to understand what these things mean. I honestly dont. i cannot, for the life of me,  fully comprehend these concepts in a literal logical sense.

How did His blood cleanse us? How exactly did Jesus’ death save us? He died. that is not a big deal to an omnipotent God. He could do EVERYTHING. Having  all these powers,  dying is not a  worry because He can come back to life again in a blink of an eye. and that, He did.  Death is not a problem to a very powerful God. I later found out i was missing the whole point. The essential one.

As a kid, i just try to accept bits and pieces of  my knowledge about God that my sabbath school teachers and Bible told me as  given facts and not question anything at all. like the concept that the world is round and pi is equals to 3.1416.  something constant and unquestionably definite.  No wonder Christ wanted us to be like children again. The child like faith is something very priceless.

As an adult, my wandering mind started to question things and tried to figure out those symbolisms for clarification. Particularly Christ’s death and how it affects me.  or at least SHOULD affect me. i came up with my own understanding of the whole concept. Here it is:

The point of Christ’s death is not literally death itself.  Because like i said death to an Almighty God is nothing. To me, the whole point of Christ living here on earth as human is Christ living here on earth. AS HUMAN. This is where His immeasurable love comes in. Who in his right mind would give up divinity to get his hands dirty for ungrateful people? It is His amazing humility inspite of His infinite power that is illogical. In the same breath that i said death is nothing to God, it makes me wonder what if  God decided to just “re-do” everything and start all over again by wiping earth clean and just creating a new earth?Besides, He owes us nothing. Now, that is logical.

His death saved us in a way that it gave us HOPE that we could be saved if we choose Him. He lived here on earth, just like us, with weaknesses to personally demonstrate to us that we could overcome sin. When they said He endured alot of sufferings, i equated it to the physical pain he experienced when He was brought to the cross, not fully realizing that it was the whole process of living here on earth and being helpless and tempted to use His divine powers to solve everything just to show us that complete dependence and surrender are the only ways to live is what His whole suffering is all about .

God is not a fickle God.  The line “With great power comes great responsibility” is quite apt on God’s situation. And im VERY grateful for that.

Jesus coming down to live with us, dying for us, enduring for us, showing and demonstrating grace and love inspite of our misgivings are illogical deeds. Especially for a great God.

I am very happy that we have an illogical God in that sense.

So I concluded love would never be logical.

And I would choose love over logic anytime.

Even if it’s difficult for me to grasp the whole concept most of the time.

 

faith

My childhood was basically formed and molded in a Seventh Day Adventist family that doesn’t really adhere to everything a Seventh Day Adventist should adhere to. Having said this, I can conclude that my beliefs and faith were formed not because of devout Seventh Day Adventist relatives, but due to the Seventh Day Adventist education I was blessed to have. My faith as a kid is quite simple. I believe in God. I believe that there is a higher Being up there somewhere that looks out for me. I view God as Someone distant, like a televiewer comfortably sitting on an overused couch placed strategically in front of a vintage black and white television with visible rusty antennas sticking out. And I am the clumsy and melodramatic lead actress in great distress in some drama flick that God had no choice but to watch tediously just because there’s nothing better on. Because He had to. Or probably because there are no other channels. I can’t help grinning now when I think that there are “scenes” in my life that would make God laugh till He tears up, cringe, or hold His breath and cover His face with His 2 hands just to avoid seeing those particular snippets of my life, but then again, He peeks between His fingers because He really doesn’t want to miss out a second of my “show”.

To me He is an expectant voyeur. Unreachable. Hidden. Silent. Someone who just reacts (but does nothing) with everything that is happening to me, unable to extend a much needed helping hand when I think I need it. He is amazingly reserved and more often than not, I think He is a taciturn God who I feel hides behind the curtains and only makes His presence known when He deems it necessary . I’m the confused little girl unable to decide what I should do with that knowledge that He is there. Should I peek? What would I find? Will He get mad? Will I be a bother? Is he a whimsical fickle God? This is where my rather feeble faith comes in. (Insert here a huge grin)

How I view God is solely based on my immature (and honestly, ignorant) awareness and perception as a mere human being of what He really IS and of what He is capable. I had no doubt whatsoever that He is a very powerful God. The magnitude of what He can do is overwhelming. I am not in doubt of His existence and capabilities. What I doubt, and this is what im having trouble with recently and I think most people could relate with this, is my lack of faith and the feeling of unworthiness as a very sinful little creature of His to claim and believe that He can do things for me, that He cares enough to pay attention to me and me alone and not merely watch my life noncommittal, from afar. I need to feel loved by Him. I am not obliging Him to because technically I had no right. Selfish thoughts I know.

I just draw strength and comfort from the FACT that His love is not based on how undeserving I feel to have a share of His grace in my life. Nor is it based on my emotions as of the moment, whether I feel He is distant and silent when I try to communicate with Him. His love and grace is based on Him and Him alone. It’s based on His unbelievable ability to love me, the little sinful unfaithful creature of His, no matter what. I have read somewhere that Jesus would still go through all the process of living here on earth and dying in calvary even if there’s only one person to be saved. Personally, if that is not love, I don’t know what is.

So since His love is already assured and steadfast, maybe I should be asking myself had I done things for Him? Had I cared enough to pay attention to Him and Him alone and not merely be a passive noncommittal Christian?

 

First

I love beginnings and second chances. There is something about waking up each day with a fresh new start and a clean slate that appeals to me.  Maybe it’s the giddy feel-good awareness that something good is in store for me in the end. Or if nothing good happens, well, there will be another day.Another beginning. Another second chance  to be giddy and excited about.

Beginnings signify a lot of things: A forgotten past and an exciting present, a NOW  you anticipate to unravel, like a gift of million opportunities from God waiting to be unwrapped every second. This is trully helpful when the thought of being too blemished and sinful, undeserving of anything good, and even simply hating yourself for not being the person you try hard to be plague and hound you incessantly. Beginnings and second chances are God’s way of saying that His Grace is sufficient enough to have deliberate selective amnesia.

New beginnings and second chances are the perfect representations of hope, an emblem of peace and security that comes from having faith and trusting God with your life. This may sound a bit too optimistic to some, and honestly, i doubt if these feelings of elation and joy are genuine joyfulness from the assurance that i have a Great God or  just a way to cope up and deny reality.

All i need to know is God is a good God and that basically equates to doubt and worry as being pointless emotions that would hinder me from enjoying the day and growing spiritually. But either way, I am grateful that i was given a new day to live, be forgiven and at least try my very best to be a witness of His Grace and Love every single day. Like i always tell everyone when i have a chance: TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!