My childhood was basically formed and molded in a Seventh Day Adventist family that doesn’t really adhere to everything a Seventh Day Adventist should adhere to. Having said this, I can conclude that my beliefs and faith were formed not because of devout Seventh Day Adventist relatives, but due to the Seventh Day Adventist education I was blessed to have. My faith as a kid is quite simple. I believe in God. I believe that there is a higher Being up there somewhere that looks out for me. I view God as Someone distant, like a televiewer comfortably sitting on an overused couch placed strategically in front of a vintage black and white television with visible rusty antennas sticking out. And I am the clumsy and melodramatic lead actress in great distress in some drama flick that God had no choice but to watch tediously just because there’s nothing better on. Because He had to. Or probably because there are no other channels. I can’t help grinning now when I think that there are “scenes” in my life that would make God laugh till He tears up, cringe, or hold His breath and cover His face with His 2 hands just to avoid seeing those particular snippets of my life, but then again, He peeks between His fingers because He really doesn’t want to miss out a second of my “show”.

To me He is an expectant voyeur. Unreachable. Hidden. Silent. Someone who just reacts (but does nothing) with everything that is happening to me, unable to extend a much needed helping hand when I think I need it. He is amazingly reserved and more often than not, I think He is a taciturn God who I feel hides behind the curtains and only makes His presence known when He deems it necessary . I’m the confused little girl unable to decide what I should do with that knowledge that He is there. Should I peek? What would I find? Will He get mad? Will I be a bother? Is he a whimsical fickle God? This is where my rather feeble faith comes in. (Insert here a huge grin)

How I view God is solely based on my immature (and honestly, ignorant) awareness and perception as a mere human being of what He really IS and of what He is capable. I had no doubt whatsoever that He is a very powerful God. The magnitude of what He can do is overwhelming. I am not in doubt of His existence and capabilities. What I doubt, and this is what im having trouble with recently and I think most people could relate with this, is my lack of faith and the feeling of unworthiness as a very sinful little creature of His to claim and believe that He can do things for me, that He cares enough to pay attention to me and me alone and not merely watch my life noncommittal, from afar. I need to feel loved by Him. I am not obliging Him to because technically I had no right. Selfish thoughts I know.

I just draw strength and comfort from the FACT that His love is not based on how undeserving I feel to have a share of His grace in my life. Nor is it based on my emotions as of the moment, whether I feel He is distant and silent when I try to communicate with Him. His love and grace is based on Him and Him alone. It’s based on His unbelievable ability to love me, the little sinful unfaithful creature of His, no matter what. I have read somewhere that Jesus would still go through all the process of living here on earth and dying in calvary even if there’s only one person to be saved. Personally, if that is not love, I don’t know what is.

So since His love is already assured and steadfast, maybe I should be asking myself had I done things for Him? Had I cared enough to pay attention to Him and Him alone and not merely be a passive noncommittal Christian?

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