I tried to post one entry per month about my views and thoughts about religion and i realized that, after rereading my previous posts, that my entries sound disappointingly empty and embarrassingly preachy. It lacked intimacy that people can relate with. So, i figured im going to just be painfully honest about how i really view things (in my christian POV). Not that i have not been honest prior to this, but i was hoping to have more of an inspiration effect for those few who happened to chance upon this blog. Although some (bless them) have confirmed that it did rekindle the faith fuel, my intention though, was to actually reach out to those who are having a difficult time about faith.
LIKE ME.
I am not going to give answers. I just want to share and assure others that we are all, in one way or another, go thru the same things at some point of our lives. And most of the time when we think that we are alone, it is not because we are, but it is simply because we chose to be alone.
Very few people know that just of late, I finally got out of a 3 year grueling emotional torture. During those first years i felt (and most probably looked like) a living dead. I felt horribly alone and absurdly despondent that i began to question why do i still live. Don’t get me wrong. Suicide is not one of my options and never was. I just woke up everyday thinking “oh.it’s another day.great.” in a very sarcastic flat tone in my head. Then i would go about my day without passion. Without purpose. Looking back at it now, i cant imagine i lived like that for years. And personally, i think it’s much way worse than suicide. What ever happened to me rattled me so intensely that it had become my paradigm shift. My wake up call.
TWICE.
The first year i felt like i was groping for someone, something, ANYTHING stable because i felt i was literally sinking into nothingness. The depression was so sever that it scared me back to sanity. And was just replaced by this numbness and apathy. Then i started to pray.
What i vividly remember was being greatly disappointed with God. I was praying and praying and praying that the hurt and the anger would go away. I would wake up crying in anger and would sleep crying in anger and then i would still dream about “it” after that. At that time, i thought my prayer was not being answered. I felt ignored yet I still prayed. What is there to lose? I wasnt feeling any better whether i pray or not. Then I suddenly realized i was praying the wrong prayer, so i changed it. I prayed that i be healed because i cannot possibly help others if im not whole myself.
It dawned on me that I was trying to heal myself by means of distraction. I relied on myself for healing. I got busy with church ministry, choir etc that i forgot that i needed time to introspect about what happened. I tried not to acknowledge it and just bury it, thinking; out of sight, out of mind. It didnt go away. and it came back with full force. The anger and bitterness were as intense as ever. I got scared that i will never be healed. Hence, I was again, disappointed with God. (NOTE that not once had i thought that I might be disappointing God. It simply screams SELFISHNESS!) I got irritated that i wasnt healed yet when i encountered people with the same problems and i feel paralyzed and helpless because i was going thru the same thing. Like a blind leading other blind people. Im not imposing on myself that i help people. But it comes rather naturally to me that it pains me not being able to do anything.
Then something ironic happened. The helplessness has become a catalyst to the healing. And so were the wonderful people i met just recently. I finally saw the glaring clarity of the situation, it almost became hilarious. I want to share what i learned from the harrowing experience:
1. There’s a purpose why i went thru all that. I was a proud creature and it was a very humbling experience. A wise friend once told me that pain is God’s megaphone. I would like to think that God just shouted on His megaphone. It was too loud. haha!
2. Not everything is in my control. Everything happens in His time. – This, im still working on. I will expound on this on my next entry.
3. I had better understanding of the word empathy.
4. The experience served as a catalyst for my paradigm shift. My views about life totally changed. And i am grateful now.
5. I found my purpose.
I apologize for the vagueness of this entry. I honestly think that specifics are inconsequential. As of the moment i am not without pressing worries. I am still battling with alot of things about faith and prayers and i am far from being highly enlightened. I am just taking the lessons one at a time and trying to savor the experience while at it. 
